Me and My Crazy Brain.

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Me On a Daily Basis

Figuring this shit out one day at a time.

-me.

I made a promise to myself when Noelle arrived that I’d be SUPER MOM! I mean PTA meetings, soccer practice every Wednesday and Thursday, travel with the team, make lunch everyday, read her bedtime stories every night. Basically everything that I’ve seen on tv. Oh! And still go out with my girlfriends, go to work five days a week, try not to annoy my partner (LOL), go to the gym 3 times a week, meditate and drink my water. She has been here on this earth for six months and I’m thinking to myself WTH WAS I THINKING! LOL

I love this little kid like the air that I breathe. But how on earth does the typical mom do all of the above? We haven’t even begun the crawling stage and I am freaking out about when she hits 6th grade! My anxiety flares up just thinking about it. It blows my mind how time has flown. She smiles when I walk in the room. Kicks and kicks like she’s trying to jump out of a paper bag. Loves to eat (like mommy). Meanwhile, deep inside, mommy is FREAKING OUT!

I am the kind of person that has not discovered how to create “balance” in her life. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. When I am into something, I AM IN IT and it’s hard to get me out. Being a mommy is the biggest role in the world to me; I think about her every minute of the day. It can be a bit overwhelming. I want nothing but the best for her. So, working my eight hours, running home or to my families house to pick her up, and getting in my bed at night is my everyday routine. My brain hasn’t even allowed me to venture off into other worlds, like GOING OUT FOR A DRINK or taking a walk by myself or even replying to my group chat messages. My brain won’t allow me to. This is my daily struggle; getting back to me. Allowing myself to not just be a mommy, but be Brittany as well.

I’m trying.

-Signed,

The Perfectly Imperfect Mommy

Lil’ Rhonda Is What They Call Me…

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I remember my middle school/beginning of high school years, my mom was 30 years old to me for about 5 years. I knew my mom was a cool mom, she dressed cute and had a cool short cut. And always seemed to be a younger mom amongst my peers.

I remember her going out, working what seemed like all day but I don’t really remember her sleeping. She just always seemed so UP, on the go and worked her butt off. So, to my imagination, I just knew I was going to have the same pep in my step with Noelle.

My mom was 19 years old when she had me, so in a sense, she grew up right along with me. I can’t imagine being a mom in my 20s! God, at Lincoln, I could live a whole 2 weeks off $20 LOL and had change to spare come the next pay day when my mother gave me money. Now, add a baby to that…oh please!!! It really just dawned to me recently that my mom was a young girl raising this little girl by herself, no handbook, no guide for young mothers, just her gut instincts. She knew she had to work to provide, she knew she had to give up her entire 20s to bring me on this earth, and never once regretted it or even complained.

I gave her the blues came middle school/high school. I never felt like she understood me. I was an emotional weirdo with a smart mouth who thought I knew everything and didn’t want to be told otherwise. Sorta how I am now :/ Now I look at me and Noelle and if she gives me the same blues, we may have to consider shipping her to boarding school🤣.

This was an appreciation post. My mother and I butt heads often. Mostly because I always think I’m right (I mean, most of the time I am haha). But now being a mom, I know that I wish I woulda took it easier on my mom. Been a better listener, been nicer, been more understanding. Having the ear now to listen to her, actual hear her to apply her words to my life. Create a space in my heart to know and understand that she nor I are perfect, but we were perfectly made for each other.

Me and Mommy at Walt Disney! circa 1997

My rock when I fall. My ear when I didn’t even think I needed one. Even though she doesn’t talk a whole lot, when she does say something, you ought to listen. My biggest fan even when I’m not so hot on myself.

I love you Mommy❤️

Signed,

The Perfectly Imperfect Mommy

The Perfectly Imperfectness of Self Discovery

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I don’t think that anything or anyone could have prepared me the ultimate transformation after becoming a mother…

In a sense, before my pregnancy, I was still discovering who I was “supposed” to be. I had moved to Philadelphia in 2017 with the intentions of starting fresh; moving to a new, yet familiar, city perusing a new career. Checking things off my bucket list. But while there, I lost focus. I was still coming back to Baltimore every weekend, not fulling investing myself to my new city. Even though I was going to bars and restaurants, mixing and mingling, trying new things, walking around, I feel like I could’ve done more in my new city. Eventually, I met Noelle’s dad while visiting home and after that, mannnn I was never in Philadelphia. I just had an apartment there.

After having Noelle, all that mojo I was trying to develop got lost in the sauce because now I can’t worry about who I am anymore; I gotta figure out who this baby is! Now that we are both pretty comfortable with each other and she plans on keeping me around for a minute 🙂 , I feel like I’m back at square one with my self discovery. I’ve changed emotionally, physically and spiritually since having her; and not knowing to what capacity I have changed until I am tested. Becoming so overindulged with this idea that in order for me to be this SUPER MOM, I have to solely focus on my child. Nothing else; not me, my work, my interest, just her. That worked for every bit of five minutes haha!

Now here we are, 10/24/2020, and I can honestly say that this new woman I’m becoming has an unmatched focus on herself. Not being so tolerable to things that were once acceptable. Not being so comfortable with words being spoken but needing actions to support these words. Not wanting to go to a job where my soul is not being fulfilled. Motherhood has guided me to a different path; forcing me to look at my imperfections, acknowledging them and working on them. And believe me, sometimes I get knocked off my rocker, but I reset and regroup. Becoming better with writing things down, taking care of my spirit, not being ashamed of asking for help and becoming ‘Brittany’.

Noelle has taught me that the necessity for this self-fulfillment is not selfish, it is actually for the both of us! Like everyone says, “If momma ain’t good how is baby gonna be good?”

Cheers to all the mommas trying to figure shit out! I hear you, I am you and WE GOT THIS!!

Signed,

The Perfectly Imperfect Mommy

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BODY?!

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This postpartum body of mine has been through A LOT!! From being stretched to what felt like max capacity, to having my insides punched and kicked by a living human being in my body. I would say that I have truly earned these tiger stripes. Even though I look like I’ve been in some kind of battle royale with Freddie Kruger, I EARNEDDD THESEEE BABIES!!! This body has shown and taught me so much in a matter of months.

Me carrying Noelle at 9 1/2 months, May 2019

She has taught me that she is strong and can withstand ALL OBSTACLES! She is steadfast, almighty and also, forgiving. She has shown me that I can do anything that I put my mind to.

I have such appreciation for my new belly. Yes, she is a tad flabby. Yes, she has stretch marks like a MF and a new war scar (C-section). But, SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH A LOTTTTTTT!!

Learning to be more patient with myself and realize that these IG snapbacks DON’T APPLY TO EVERYONE! Lord knows if I had an extra $10-15k just laying around, I would love to go to Dr. Miami and get this new mom bod SNATCHED! But I have remind myself: “Patience, young grasshopper.” Be real with yourself. You cannot have a Teyana Taylor 6-pack outta nowhere. And to be REALISTIC with myself. Brittany, you have never had a flat tummy and it’s ok if that doesn’t happen.

I am woman. I am bomb. I will be good to myself. I will be realistic and kind to myself.

Body, you’ve got me through 33 years on this earth…let’s keep this party GOING!!

Signed,

The Perfectly Imperfect Mommy

REAL HOT MOM SH*T!

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After becoming a mom, life changes…DRASTICALLY! But in a good way! However, in these times of change, sometimes we want to feel like our old selves.

Milan, Italy 2013

Here I am above: 26 years old, traveling my ass off, new small boobs on my chest and not a baby in sight LOL and about 30lbs lighter.

Me, personally; I’ve always struggled with weight and beauty. Yes, I know that I’m attractive, cute, pretty, great personality, all that great jazz. But feeling SEXY and confident in my body…..Eh.

Sometimes, us women, especially new moms with this new found mom bod, we have no idea who the hell we are now or who’s body this is that’s under our clothes! But, you get that one compliment at the right time and it lights your day up! Yes, I understand that we have to be our own #1 fan, but you gotta admit, there is nothing like a good ol’ boost of confidence every now and then. Your family and close friends can tell you everyday how great you are and how amazing you look, but it hits a littleeeeeeeeeeee different when it comes from other people.

When I came back to work from maternity leave, my co-workers looked at me in shock, like “WOW! You don’t look like you just had a baby!” Meaning, damn you’re not as big as I thought you were gonna be LOL. I take the compliment, smile and say “thank you” but in the back of my mind, I’m thinking to myself “You wouldn’t be saying that shit if you looked under this flowy blouse!’

Or when I went to my college homecoming in October of last year. It was surreal! It had been 10 years since I saw most of these people last, so naturally, my anxiety was on 100. I had gained so much weight since 2009, which I’m sure applied to more than half of the people on campus. Plus, I just had Noelle a few months before, so I was really self-conscious about myself and my body. Once I saw my girls, and we walked onto campus, I realized that this was exactly what I needed. This little dose of my old self. To see my old friends and classmates really made me feel like a grown kid again. Like I was this young, responsibility free person all over again for a matter of hours; I was even called a “hot mom” HAHA! That made my day.

But as time goes on, I am LEARNING to love this new body of mine; appreciating it and taking good care of it. This is the body that created life; this is the body that created Noelle. Coming to terms with my tiger stripes and belly that God blessed me with. Being more patient with myself. As well as being more diligent with myself and understanding that I AM IN CONTROL OF THE CHANGE THAT I WANT TO BE! In other words, keeping up with working out and eating healthy. Enjoying the gym (well before corona) and loving the time that I have for myself to just focus on ME. Attempting to be the best version of myself, for my baby and for me.

Love yourself and be on your REAL HOT MOM SH*T!!!!

Signed,

The Perfectly Imperfect Mommy

Natural Momma! Or So I Thought..

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In my mind, I had this whole natural birth fantasy all planned out in my head. This beautiful scene with incense burning, my doula rubbing my back, Sade serenading me in the background and Noelle making her grand entrance into the world with a few pushes and BAM! She’s here. Natural Momma Britt has won the race!

Now, the real. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at about 5 months into my pregnancy. WTF is this?!? I had never heard of this, and excuse my ignorance, but maybe I didn’t read as many baby books as I probably should have at this point. SUE ME! So of course, I begin to read…10% of pregnancies experience this form of diabetes. This was mind boggling to me. Why would my baby want to destroy me this way?! (I said to myself). I was so distraught during this month. I wanted this ideal pregnancy of eating everything that I wanted to, having Noelle, breastfeeding (*this is a wholeeee other topic we will talk about later) and snapping back to my normal size, if not smaller. I wanted to get big and be this jolly ol’ happy momma. NOT!

This diagnosis came with weekly visits (2 days a week to be exact) to the hospital for close monitoring of the baby, making sure her movements, heartbeat and growth were up to par. Being hooked up to this machine made things pretty real for me every time I arrived. Thinking to myself “Wow! I hope she’s ok. I know she’s ok. She is definitely ok.” Inside, I was not ok. I was scared, nervous, anxious and THEN after testing, I had to go back to work. Thank God by then I was fully working from home. But, after hearing her on the monitor moving around like a crazy woman or seeing her on the ultrasound, I just wanted to rub my belly, sing to her and lay in the bed.

Gestational also came with…. insulin. If you know me, you know that I DON’T DO NEEDLES! Ok, yes I have over a dozen tattoos, BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT! Injecting insulin in my sides 4 times a day, pricking my fingers to test my blood sugar levels 5 times a day and watching every single thing that I ate smh “WHERE TF IS THIS BABY?! I can’t wait to meet this little troublemaker!”

Then, the fun part: being INDUCED. Ummmmm, excuse me doc but this is not apart of my NATURAL MOMMA venture! WTF do you mean I have to be induced at 39 weeks?! Yup. That scenario of my being home cooking and whistling random lullabies and my water breaking was OUT THE WINDOW!

Here we go..39 weeks arrives. Thursday, May 30th, we get to the hospital, they hook me up, and I am internally freaking tf out. “No drugs” I told this to the doctor every time she came in the room. She says “I know. I know.” No pain meds and no epidural. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROARRRRRRRR! The Pitocin levels rise and so does the pain of my contractions. WHERE TF IS THIS BABY DOCTOR WHITE?!?!?!

Eventually, 30 hours in, my lioness roar turned into the cry of a cub. GIVE ME THE DRUGS NOW! I tried so hard, so hard y’all I promise, I felt so defeated. Why is this happening to me? This wasn’t the plan! We tried another 15 hours and my baby was not budging. Then, my cervix swelled. C-SECTION TIME! Natural Momma has LEFT THE BUILDING! All this natural momma book knowledge went down the drain. Through all of these emotions and helplessness that I felt, my village stood strong behind me lifting my spirits with support and laughter like none other. Told me that I was brave, beautiful and strong. And at 6:51pm on Saturday, June 1st, my new best friend was born. And everything that I had experienced was a figment of my imagination!

For all of the soon-to-be moms, if your pregnancy/labor isn’t what you’ve anticipated, DO NOT FEEL DEFEATED! DO NOT FEEL DISCOURAGED!

1. Do what is best for you and your baby.

2. Be patient with yourself.

3. And remember that you are strong, amazing, wonderful, beautiful and a fucking force to be reckoned with!

Signed,

The Perfectly Imperfect Mommy

Meg or Mozart?

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Before being mommy, my name was Brittany. Some may still call me by my name; others have thrown it out of window. Now, my name is “Is Noelle up?”

Summer 2019, which according to Meg the Stallion was a “hot girl summer” that I CLEARLY missed. Me and Noelle are getting in the car, the Bluetooth hasn’t connected quite yet and all of a sudden I hear blasting on the radio “REAL HOT GIRL SHIT!”. So, naturally, the twerk in me begins to rear its pretty little head. As I lower my hands to touch my knees as if I was about to ‘drop down and get my eagle on’ (Yes, I just showed my age), I look in the rearview mirror. Noelle is cracking up laughing! The cutest, most fun baby in the world is looking at me as if I were a fool. Those big, bright, brown eyes staring directly at me, like she knew I was about to do something really crazy and wanted to see more. GRRRRRRRRR!! I can’t listen to this with you in the car! **turns to baby playlist of Nursery version of Mozart’s 1781 Sonata for Two Pianos in D Major**, which I have lovingly accepted as my new reality. No more blasting Meg or Migos; we have a baby in here now!

After reading a crazy amount of articles while pregnant, I knew that classical music was good for the brain development of babies. So, needless to say, we have been listening to this since she was in the womb. But, believe it or not, my name used to be ‘Brittany’. Young, vibrant, witty, traveler, music buff, ready to take on any challenge that came her way (but don’t be fooled, she is still here!) College grad that thrived as her best self on Thirsty Thursdays and during her mid-afternoon Criminology course. Single (not anymore), going out every weekend, hitting up the newest bar or club in the city. Except now, MOM MODE is in full effect! Which by the way is so exciting, yet beautifully strange and scary. Who would’ve thunk it? Britt Bratt (my college nickname) would become a mommy. Making an impression on this little one since the day she was born; PRESSURE MUCH!? Ok, so she may not know exactly what I am saying right now, but ‘m going to start practicing now! Be a better version of myself, more mindful of my actions and words, less cares about foolery.

So, let’s just say that I had a lukewarm summer. About as lukewarm as her formula. And I am ok with that. I just had my hot girl summer at my desk, twerking and typing with my headphones on full blast. 🙂

Signed,

The Perfectly Imperfect Mommy